Sage's Journal
Spring 2000

Morning. Vision better and feeling a bit
more rested now. Tension is with me
as I come to the full realization that my
early mornings here are now truly gone.
I did manage a couple hours of sleep before
the wedding on Saturday. The weather
worries dissipated immediately as this
special day dawned sunny and bright...
cool for this time of year, but a beautiful
day. Bruce, Connor and I arrived at my
father's shortly after 10. As we pulled
into the drive, Janna and her bridesmaids
were being photographed near the corral.
What an exquisite picture the four of them
made! Janna, the most beautiful bride,
surrounded by her twin sister as maid
of honor, her younger sister and Chris's
sister ~ all pretty in pale pink.
Janna's hair was swept up with the veil
she made herself. Gretchen's blonde hair was
also worn in an upsweep and she
looked like a model for Bride magazine.
Little Kate with the curly hair wore her
hair down in ringlets and I was
struck by her charming fragility. Heather,
the character in the group, wears her
hair short and boyish and looked beautiful
and slightly impish and amused. I paused
for a minute or two to watch them
pose, then headed into the house to check
on my father, who is very ill
now. The long white limo appeared and
Chris's mom and I left with Connor
to await the bridal party's appearance at the
church where I was married and my
parents before me. We waved to Chris, who
was standing on the stone steps leading
to the church with his best man, my son
and the other usher, a friend of Chris's.
There was another photo session while
we waited. This time, Connor, the ring
bearer, joined the young men for photos.
Chris's mom is a sweet, shy, gentle lady
whose company was a comfort. The limo
arrived and a few brief minutes later,
the organ music began the Ave Maria
and the groom's mother started her walk
down the aisle. As she took her seat,
I entered the church on my son's arm. He
escorted me to the front pew where my father
and my inlaws were already seated. My
brother was doing videography out of the
goodness of his heart, as Janna and Chris
had decided against the additional expense
of hiring a professional. There was a
pause at the end of the Ave Maria before
the beautiful strains of Pachobel's Canon
were heard. Katie walked toward us
slowly, then Heather and as Gretchen entered,
we stood to watch. Gretchen, so
usually self-assured, was the most demure
as she tried to hide tears. Connor,
bearing the pillow, followed her. Gretchen
continued past us to ascend the steps to the
altar and take her place at Todd's
side. Connor, the serious little gentleman,
scooted in next to me. Then the
beautiful bride entered on the arm of her
proud father. He gently and ceremoniously
handed her to her husband-to-be and the
ceremony began. There was no Mass because
the priests in our little tourist town are
adamant about Sunday obligation. Janna's
godparents did the readings. The priest
spoke of their meanings and blessed the rings
in the hands of the maid of honor
and best man. We were asked to raise our
hands in a mutual blessing of the bride
and groom, who then stepped down from
the altar to speak gently their vows and
to exchange rings. And it was over!
Tissues for weepy eyes were put away and we
joined the wedding party outside for
the traditional receiving line. There was
another photo session, then we left for the
reception at my father's. There was a good
hour which passed before the limo arrived
and the party was already in full
swing under the tent which had been set
up on Dad's back lawn. The caterers
did a terrific job. The DJ played the oldies
but goodies through hors d'oeuvres
and cocktails, the anouncement of the wedding
party and parents, and through the buffet-style
meal. The much louder dance music
began after dinner and the dance floor filled
up immediately and remained filled for
the next few hours. Connor's dad stopped by
to pick him up around 2:30. The little
boy, whose behavior had been impeccable,
was tired and glad to see his father. The
caterers left around 5 and I began to
clean up the tables when I realized they were
not going to take care of that. My
concern was for my father, who had come out
a couple of times, but who was simply
exhausted from the strain of the week.
As guests began to depart, my brother and
other family members joined me in the
clean up. We left for home at 6:30 and
cars and people were waiting for us
as we pulled into the driveway. The car
was immediately surrounded by hands
eager to help unload. I know they saw my
eyes reaching half-mast and they took over
once inside, adding water to vases of
flowers, preparing food and drink. Gret was
understandably disenchanted with Chris's best
man and friends from his side who elected to
spend the evening at a local bar, however
her personal friends had joined us, as
well as many of Bruce's brothers and sisters.
As the evening went on and the
air grew chilly, I wrapped myself in a
blanket in my chair. The next thing
I knew, Nate was shaking me to go upstairs
to bed. The end of a special day.

So, now what?

I am hoping to be able to
work on a special page this week for
the wonderful ladies of Diva of the Net.
In the meantime, I would like to share
here some of the thoughtful gifts
they have sent me this week. It has
been a tough year for me, both
physically and emotionally. There is no
greater comfort than to know that
friends care enough to walk with you
when you become lost.
* 8/26/00 ~ Gift page is complete. You will
find it below.

Tuesday, August 22 ~
It is just past midnight now as I awaken
from the sweet slumber which is my last
place of refuge. Even now, at this
quiet hour, can I not relax. My daughter
speaks in her sleep. The baby changes
position in his crib. The music from this
page is barely audible as I listen
for other sounds which will obligate me.
I die a million deaths as I sit
here lost in thought and I am unable to move productively.

My thoughts stray to my childhood home
where my father sleeps alone. I worry
and wish I was there with him.

I did enjoy a call from my son
before supper (something which it seems I
am now forced to eat). He received
a promotion recently at his regular job and
is now Head of Engineering. He called to
let me know the company had activated
his cell phone. He is giving me my domain
name and giving me space on his
server as well, which will allow me to
work unencumbered by server regulated
advertising. The first company he formed will
reach a billion hits this week
and was Number 1 for July on a well-known
Internet hot pick site.

I managed to get through some email
today, but with so little free time now,
I am still playing catch up from this
weekend. It seems impossible that Connor
will begin 2nd grade in 2 short weeks.
It is as if summer did not occur
this year. Of course, with the need to
heat the house several times during
the month of June and nights in August
so cold that the heat is coming
on automatically, I guess it really
didn't.

I had a visitor from naz.edu
last night. Nate suggested that it might
be Alison, who says I am well-known
at six degrees. Alison, that is Cousin
Kevin Bacon's fault, of course:)
And btw, Alison, he conveyed your
compliment...thank you!

Noon ~
No place to go. Followed from room to room.
Cartoons in living room. N Sync in dining
room. Jerry Springer, of all things, in
kitchen. Raining. Force fed food when
I'm not hungry. Yahoo mail down for
maintenance, so they say. Longing for
a place of my own. Bruce given new start
date of Thursday, but we will see,
as through an indiscretion, that may not
happen.

2 a.m., Thursday, August 24 ~
Today is my littlest angel's 19th birthday.
I opened my eyes a short while
ago from the only place left to hide.
I was disoriented and misread the
clock. Thinking it was almost 5 a.m.,
I almost dove for bed. I would
have lost these few precious moments of
alone and of quiet. The rain has
stopped and the fog is thick around the
lamp post. The rhythmic chirp of
crickets is slow and hypnotic. I dare
not make any sound that would disturb
and I resent this new tension.

I am a stranger in my own house
now and do not know how to explain
that I cannot go back.

I heard unexpectedly from one I will
never be able to erase from my being.
I didn't mean to lash out, but the
hurt won't go away.

It was good to talk to Hobbsie who
always makes me feel warm and comfy.

There was little sleep to be had
and I was up early, but have had
no time here today. I did manage
to catch Bunny, who was on her way
to register at the college. She's
excited and I'm tickled pink for her.
She starts classes on Monday!

Almost 7 p.m. So wonderfully quiet!
I've been working all day on the
promised gift page. I think I will
be working on it for awhile longer:)
(Thank you all for your thoughts)! I am
alone. Completely and utterly alone...all night
and most of tomorrow and it feels
wonderful.

Finished...well as much as a page is ever really done:)
Gifts

Almost noon ~
Hated to oversleep so on this particular
day. I expect the phone will
ring momentarily to let me know of the
impending arrival of family members
who have been away for the weekend.
It was after 4 a.m. when Gret
returned from work. She is still asleep.
She has seemingly succumbed to
the persistent recruitment efforts of Mary Kay.
I think the lady noted the
physical beauty of the twins and simply
did not give up. My only concern
is how time spent on a second job will
effect me. My youngest informed me that
she has found a new roommate, so will
not be returning home afterall. It
is clouding up as I finish the Sunday
paper. The air is filled with the
laughter of children, the loud, rapid
chirp of crickets and windchimes which
speak of an approaching storm.

Spent afternoon uploading photos from
luau...a bit family lop-sided, but the
first bunch is up!
Luau Photos!!!

Monday, August 28, 5:30 p.m.~
I am finding it increasingly difficult to
be here. There is no hour left for me.
It is hard enough to complete a
thought while chasing Gabe, but do I
really need to be subjected to recaps
of the latest Homer Simpson rerun?

Wondering what is left of me and for me.
Just don't know anymore.

Tuesday, August 29, mid-afternoon ~
It is official ~ I now have a daughter
who is an "Independent Beauty Consultant" for
Mary Kay. Unfortunately, any free time
I have today will be spent nursing a pulled
back muscle...another Terrorist mishap, of
course.

"The superior man is modest in his
speech, but excels in his actions."
--Confucius

Considering writing an ode to the man in
my life...Ben,
as in Ben-Gay.

Ouch! Playing soccer with Gabe and
waiting for my daughter to show up with
mattress she borrowed. When Gabe goes
down for his nap, so will I. Can't sit.
Can't stand. I am bleary-eyed. My apologies
~ pagers are off for now 'cause
I simply cannot move.

Reading with squirmy Gabe. Kate has come
and gone and the front porch is now
adorned with mattress and box springs.

"To know what is right and not
do it is the worst cowardice."
--Confucius

Gret was off today and Bruce had
no work. Car inspection appointments, and a
trip to the Great Escape by them helped me
maintain sanity. Although, as I write this,
Gretchen is off visiting a friend and Gabe
is awake early from his nap and
screaming. TAG! I'm it!

Friday afternoon, September 1 ~
Good to see you back, Nola. I haven't
heard from Gabe's dad since the wedding,
nor Connor's either. Our little Terrorist
had another accident this morning. He had a
temper tantrum when I wouldn't let
him have something on my desk. He flopped
himself on the floor, smashing his nose
and mouth on an old Sesame St. trolley
car. There was blood everywhere. But...
within a minute or two, he'd stopped
crying and was fine. Just another calamity
in the life of Gabe.

Keep hoping to see a lightbulb go on,
but it just isn't happening.

Now that the wedding is over, I will
be working on several projects. Safe School
Week is approaching and I will be adding to
the Teen Pledge page. I will also be
working on the long-promised gender pages,
as well as revamping my index page,
which was put up when I knew very little
about webpages. Fortunately, since that
time, I have met some wonderful people
with much knowledge and know I can rely on
most of them to help me if I
get stuck. Keep in mind that I still
need to spend "quality time" with a
certain terrorist, as well as homework
time with a gifted seven-year old, and,
also, that I now have an additional member
of the family at home. The going will
be slow.

Sigh ~
Possibly even slower now. Gret called. Some
idiot hit her car in Albany as she
was pulling up to a friend's house to visit
the friend's new apartment. She banged
the heck out of her knee. The idiot Albany
cop (and believe me, they are idiots),
refused to give the guy a ticket because he
didn't see it happen. Now I am seeing me
walking Connor to school, insurance rates
jacked even higher, car in the shop, etc. If
it will happen to anyone, it will
happen to Gretchen. Always.

I received a terrific letter tonight
from a young visitor to the Teen Pledge.
This page has been particularly active in the
past month or so and I am hoping,
as I said, to add a few things of interest
to that page. Thanks for visiting, Shannon!

Saturday afternoon, September 2, ~
Except for the kids in the pool out
back. it is fairly quiet. Gabe is
napping. Bruce, who is on call this
weekend, is also napping. Gret returned
to work. It has been a very inactive
day for me as I alternate between here
and the couch ~ not comfortable in either
spot for long. Been doing a bit of research
surfing as I gear up to work on
sections of this site. The past couple
of weeks have been frustrating with
no time left for quiet contemplation.
I find myself withdrawing further
from interaction with all but a few. Even
the doors to the little spaces I
once could create seem locked.

Watching lightening as the storm that hit
a short time ago, moves on. We haven't
had a really good storm in a couple of
years. This one was unusual, with black
clouds rolling in from the north. Connor
and I sat on the porch and watched
our little street turn into a river. We
have always been a thunderstorm family.

Sunday morning, September 3 ~
I'm not much on reclining, which seems to
be all I've done for the past few days.
Odd, grunting sounds grabbed my attention.
Someone had left the television on and I
watched the final few moments of a
movie set in the time of the very early
beginnings of human language. There seemed
to be significance in the main character's
departure from all she'd known to follow
the "Great Bear." Gabe was awake and
chattering and I sat here for a bit, reading.
I headed upstairs to bed shortly
after 4, but found sleep illusive. I must
have just drifted off when Gretchen burst
into the room in tears. After an hour
commute home from work, she'd stopped at
a local grocery store to pick up
a few things. She returned to the car and
as she exited the parking lot, something
clicked and the car died right there on the
spot. She was forced to push the car back
into the parking lot and walk home.
It would appear the accident caused much
more damage than was originally thought.
The left front tire mechanism is now
spinning in neutral. The cop who took
the insurance card of the individual who
hit her better have that insurance
information entered on the police report.
Because the cop refused to give a ticket
to the guy who hit her, she will need
a lawyer. In the meantime, she is left with
no way to get to work and no
way to get Connor to school. After I
absorbed all of this new irritating
information, it was close to 6 a.m. before
I was able to get back to sleep,
thankful that it was my mother-in-law who gave
birth to 11 children...and not me.
Following the "Great Bear" seems a more and
more attractive option.

Had Connor call his dad to touch base.
Bob asked him to spend the night. Connor
was delighted, of course. I'm not calling
Gabe's dad. He doesn't quite get it
yet. Boys need their dads. When fathers
must pay support, they seem to equate
children with money, rather than time.
Sad.

4 a.m., Monday, Sept. 4 ~
Woke up from my spot on the couch as
Ms. Sunshine came in from work. A
few minutes here, then refilling the hot water
bottle and heading to bed. For those of you who
know "ivysgirl," her dad passed away a
week ago Saturday. If you wish to send
her a note, she can be reached
at "ivysgirl@yahoo.com". Ivy, hon, I've been
working on your promised pages and
hope to get them up tomorrow. I finally was
able to catch Herb's Jetta commercial
~ all 15 seconds of it. Bunny informs me
that the movie I woke up to was
"Clan of the Cave Bear." As soon as I
can carve me a pair of crutches out of
that old limb, I'm headed out his way.
My knapsack is packed and ready to go.
As the Bobbsey Twins return, I'm outta there.

And so it begins again.

Finally. Bravo.
Now perhaps a recital of the Golden Rule?
Or is that not applicable?

Nola, I promise I will write.
I'm glad you heard from Gabe's dad.
It would be nice if Gabe did.

Apologize for the inconvenience. After
suffering through 5 or 6 fatals this morning,
I am turning off all pagers. Have a
feeling that aol IM is the culprit,
although it was nice to finally catch Nate.

The first school night. Gret having
her car towed. Bruce home again because
there is no work. Quiet for a few minutes,
but so little time here anymore.

After 2 a.m., Wednesday, September 6 ~
Hitting the sack now. I did manage to catch
up on a little work after all went to
bed. Good to talk to Rosie...thanks
for the thoughts, hon. Bunny, I left you
a little gift at my forum. It was
also good to chat with Bar yesterday. It's
been a couple of months at least.
Bar, please tell Ron not to send me email with
his entire list. I'm sure he didn't think,
but there is one new on his list that
I really don't need to see there.
Glad you got back alive, Z-Dr. Sorry I
missed you this morning.

This day has been so long that I
barely remember the beginning of it.
Will write after kids and Bruce are
in bed, which I hope will be soon. I have
a headache. And there is one who must learn
to think of others and how what you
do and say in self defense may effect them.
I will say no more here.

Thursday, September 7, 10:30 a.m.~
I was unable to return here last night.
Disturbing events and early morning conversations,
while not atypical, serve to remind
of tangled webs. Mysticlady wisely reminds how
individuals often fail to put themselves in
the positions of others; that often what
is seen is only what applies to oneself...and,
yes, to heck with everyone else.
Unfortunately, because of that very fact, her
statement will not be viewed as applicable.

2 p.m.~
The quiet and few minutes of alone time I
anticipated an hour from now flew out
the window as the door opened a few minutes
ago. Home already.

I was able to work briefly during
the naps of others on additions to the Teen
Pledge. The Albany cop fudged the police report
...putting down erroneous info. Gabe
appears to be ill...not sure what the
problem is, but he would not leave
my lap.

Bright sun and ladder shadows, frosty morning,
leaves beginning to turn ~ cider time is
here and hot air balloon placards adorn store
windows. Dad visited yesterday and looked much
better, but his new generosity speaks volumes.

I waited only for a sign of sincerity
in words, but they were just words, made
meaningless by actions. Months of wrath and
anguish, seemingly proper and fitting for
one, have been disallowed for another.
So be it.

A refreshing break in my daughter's
schedule will allow me to move early and
with freedom today. Unlike most days she has
had off, it is not raining, and I
will spend the day outside with the camera.

Back now, but fresh air-ravenous and
line-dried cotton sheet sleepy. A perfect,
end-of-summer day.

Saturday, September 9 ~
Only here for a few. Fell asleep on the
couch only minutes after dinner last
night. I woke up at quarter to five,
got Gret up for work, and climbed into
bed. Everyone was gone when I woke up.
The past couple of hours have been lazy and
slow with few disturbances, but time
is now a'wasting and I need to move in order
to make good on promises to myself.
To the one who called me hypocrite, I will
say here that nothing could be farther from
the truth. What I write of here is my
personal search for balance. What occurred
the other night was the result of
my allowing myself to be used as a "sounding
board," as one referred to it, perhaps once
too frequently in a too short period
of time. I prefer to think of it as the
shoulder I offer those I care about.
A shoulder which will always be there for
anyone who needs it. This time, I found
myself in a wrong place at a wrong time.
And yes, I became suddenly very angry at
continued blindness and disregard, not only
toward me, but for so many who have noted
or who have been hurt by recent
blithe indifference. Unfortunately, the responses
were no more than proof of the truth of my
words. It saddens me that a simple prayer
for kindness to be shown toward others has
always been regarded as a control issue.
True colors were shown by those replies
and as long as things remain as they are,
growth will stagnate. It is as it is.

And now I'm out of here until tonight.

Break somewhat abbreviated by Gabe's
behavior. No surprise there, of course.
Connor is begging that Gabe stay home for
the picnic tomorrow. That may be wise.

Sunday evening ~
Outside with Gabe for a good share of the
day. I worked on the Teen Pledge page
when Gabe went down for his nap. Although I
needed to do that, I was aggravated with Yahoo.
First on my list was to finish pages
for Ivy's dad and I couldn't get into my mail
for needed info. Gret is on her way
home and Bruce was called into work for the
night - a good thing, as he was not scheduled
for Monday. Bath is running for the
boys and they are eating supper.

Monday, September 11 ~
Just one of those kiddie days, which Bunny
can attest to. She hung up on me after the
10th rendition of the Barney theme
song, but...hey...admit it...she did enjoy
dressing Little Bear:)

Tuesday evening ~
Family schedules have altered much. Yahoo is
still giving me problems, although I think
I was able to delete enough so no one
will get anything thrown back at them.
It has, however, deterred me from some Diva
activities. I did manage to work for my son for
a short while. I expected to hear from him
today and did not. Mel, get after him
for me, k? As I am gearing up to work on
gender pages, I have been a recent
poster at the eleven o'clock feminist board
which Bunny had me start reading when
it first started. I just didn't have time
before the wedding. Have a feeling though,
that Jack is afraid of me:) I won't
spend much time there. Tired of people like
robot who use the power they feel hiding
in front of their monitors as a tool to hurt.
Nothing has changed elsewhere from what I hear.
Nola, Ed called and will be taking Gabe
tomorrow. I guess.

Hon, why are you here? Why?
It just makes everything so much harder for me.
I've tried so hard and keep getting drawn back,
only to get hurt over and over. What
am I supposed to do? Or did you just
come back to laf, to gloat, to continue
the conversation from the other night?
I truly don't know anymore.

After midnight. Tired, I guess. The day
was hectic and stressful. Oddly, the only quiet
part of the day was when Gabe and I were here
alone. I used that time to take care
of business matters. He is always at his
worst when others are around
and the house was full during the
afternoon and evening. Bruce's new job and
work schedule are throwing everything out of
kilter and I am turning inward and hiding
there. It is hot and humid and dripping from
earlier rain and I wish I was at the lake.
Here comes the rain again.

Wednesday, September 13, 10 a.m. ~
Getting somewhat growly as I wait for Gabe's
dad's promised "early" phone call. I have things
to do, but I suppose it is too much
to ask him to get out of bed before noon.

Today on Oprah: Gary Zukav

Still waiting for something ~ not sure what.
Bun, what's going on? Ah! Vet-type emergency.
Glad to hear that all is well.

Don't understand why there is so much
traffic at L&S. There is nothing left to be
said there. Nothing at all. This is
all that remains. Laf & Sage

Not doing real well emotionally tonight,
so will stay away for a few hours, I guess.

Boy...is Hillary blowing it, or what? Not
that I expected anything different.

Waited forever for Gabe to be brought back.
It was late & I dozed off. A couple of
hours later, I woke up to all 3 ~ Gabe, Ed & Kaena,
in the living room. It seems there
was a bit of a vehicle violation. They left
and I was able to put Gabe to bed immediately.
Long day with much to be done away
from here and family issues have been emotionally
draining.

Thursday evening ~
Back later, perhaps. Working on pages for Ivy.

Oh, lion. No quarrel here either. Just
tremendous loss and sadness. I'm tired too, hon.
So very tired. I hurt more than you will
ever know.

All are in bed now. Too tired
to write now, though.

For Ivy

3 a.m. ~
You do realize I wouldn't fill out that
survey for anyone but you, don't you,
Bun?:) Will write later today. Watched
Opening Ceremony for Olympics with Connor.
Course I had to wake him up to watch the
torch being lit. Worked away from puter
today as bugs seem to hit everything from
mail to tripod to ITW to stats. Gret &
Bruce both will be up in an hour to
get ready for work. Alone with kids
Saturday.

Saturday night ~
No schedule at all anymore. Bruce came home
to eat dinner and go to bed. Gabe
is chattering away in his crib. I got up very
late this morning after trying to watch
Olympics ceremony with Connor. Connor had already
gotten dressed and had headed out to play with
Alex. Gabe was yelling, so I had to bring him
down immediately. Was about to call Connor
in to watch Gabe so I could shower, when Bob
called to say he would be picking
Connor up to spend the night. I asked him
to stay long enough for me to shower,
which he did. Took Gabe for a walk in the
stroller, then let him play out back for a
couple of hours until naptime. He is much
more controllable if no one else is here. Wouldn't
eat his supper, though. Bun, sorry I missed you.
Howard, thanks for the help. Thank God I
caught Janna. She sent me one wedding photo close
to 1000k. I've had enough probs with yahoo...
don't need any more. Others are experiencing
hitbox probs for those of you who are interested.

Really nothing more than a what's happening post.
No thoughts..no feelings. Does that make everyone
happier? Here I am ~ one who fell out of a tree
while helping someone climb up.

Sunday morning, September 17 ~
Up early this morning. Gabe was just waking
up, but was content to stay in his crib for
awhile. Connor returned later than
expected. Now there are cartoons to my left and
'N Sync to my right. The day is gray
and cool. The heat was on when I came
downstairs. Reading about the decision of the
local United Way to continue funding for
Boy Scouts. Wondering why support is being dropped
elsewhere using public funding isses as a
basis for decision. Tax payer monies support
hateful and obscene art. Seems a bit hypocritical
to me.

Hope, why did I have a feeling this
would make me cry before I even went?
It's really hard...never had anything hit
me like this before. Thank you for thinking
of me, hon.
Yesterday When I Was Young

Happy Birthday, Draggie ~ wherever you are.

I received a request today from Dr. Ron Bissell
to link him to my pages. I will let you
check him out and see what you think. I will
not post a permanent link to any "spirituality"
site whose major purpose is to sell, so I will let
you be the judge.
Inner Voice

I truly have lost most of my time
here. What's worse, I guess, is that I've
lost desire to continue. All I said would
come to pass, did. But the knowing doesn't
help. There almost seems to be a deliberate
attempt to misunderstand and I've had
to deal with vindictive behavior that I never
deserved.

Sunday, September 24 ~
Been working for, if not with, my son for the
past week. Other than that, not much
to say, I guess. So much has changed and I'm
trying to deal. Bunny, I will never be
able to thank you enough for sticking by me.
I guess this is when you figure out who
cares and who doesn't.

Hobbsie, I know it was the last thing
on your mind, but, hon, the next time you send
me mail, please don't disclose your
entire list. I really don't want to know your
new additions. It hurts, Ron.

Nola, I apologize for not being here.
It may interest you to know that Kaena called out
of the blue last week. She surprised the heck
out of me by asking to take Gabe and keeping him
for 2 days. Course I don't know if Ed asked her
to call...haven't heard from him at all,
so it's possible, I guess. Gabe has changed a bit
in the last couple of weeks. He's been
more congenial and cooperative.

Hope, your butterflies are free.

For Sherry ~

For Shelby ~

For Baby Cassidy ~

May they all rest in peace.

"I am the schnook... When I was a youngster, one of the epithets with which we used to inflict verbal stings upon one another was the Yiddish term, "schnook!" It was not a nice term, but as insults go, it was several steps below some others we often used for one another. A schnook is a fool... or, more accurately, someone who is stupid or an unimportant person. It is that plain and simple. Some words have changed meanings over the years, but not the old reliable verbal put down, schnook. Once, saying that someone is "bad" had a negative connotation. Now it is a positive thing to be. A "geek" went from being someone special and unique to a very negative appellation somehow. I am not really sure when and how that happened. How does one become a schnook? It's really simple in terms of human relationships. Here are the steps: TRUST... This is the first step on the journey to total schnookdom. All one need do is to allow another person to gain your trust. We begin with total trust as children but life soon cures us of that shortcoming. Somewhere about the second or third grade, our best pal claps us on the back and says something nice to us; meanwhile, he or she is sticking a "Kick me" sign on our back. At that moment, we begin to experience what it means to be a schnook and to lose faith and trust in our "friends." There seems to be a direct mathematical connection between placing trust, the degree and depth of intimacy of the friendship and the alacrity with which that trust is breached. As we grow older, the "Kick me" signs are no longer printed. They are now more often inscribed on our soul by those we dare TRUST! When we TRUST, we set ourselves up to be a schnook. CARE... To care indicates a desire to share a part of your innermost being with another and to share in them. What happens to them becomes almost as important, if not more than, what happens to us. Caring places another person in a position of being equal to, or more important than, ourselves. It also allows others to tag us as a schnook. COMMUNICATE TRUST AND CARING... As soon as we let our tormentors-to-be know that they have our trust, it is as if a compulsion grabs him or her, driving that person to impale us on the trust we grant them so freely. Sometimes those wounds are soul deep and fatal. The one with the wound is then a schnook in his/her own eyes and those of others. STRUGGLE WITH THE INEVITABLE... When we determine that we are in a position that leads us into appearing a schnook, we are often just like a fish that has just bitten down on what appeared to be a fat, juicy worm. He is caught and all his struggles manage to do is to excite and entertain the guy with the fishing rod. It is a sad truth. There are those who take some perverse pleasure in reeling us in. They abuse our trust, caring and willingness to communicate our feelings. They may as well take a bucket of the brightest vermilion red and paint the words, "This is a schnook," across our foreheads. Do these things and I will guarantee you that you are in an almost dead certain position to be made to appear a schnook. It is sad, but it is true. How does one become something other than a schnook? It's really simple. You must trust, care and communicate your caring and trust. Wait!?!?!? That is the same thing that leads to someone being a schnook. Isn't it? Of course it is. But the difference is monumental. "What is it?" you may ask. In my experience, it almost always is within the control of the one(s) we trust, care about and tell about our caring and trust. What they do with these precious gifts we grant to them out of love, friendship or even blood relationship determines if we are among the luckiest folks alive on the planet or if we are simple, everyday schnooks. Our other friends may rally to support us. They may even offer encouraging words to prop us up, but they recognize that the need for such sage platitudes derives directly from their own recognition that they see us, as do others, as we are, a schnook. Use wisely your freedom of choice when you deal with another human being. The choices you make will determine if that person is to see him/herself as a schnook or benefit greatly from your reciprocated trust, caring and communication of these things. Your choice may also make the one you reject or demean appear to be a schnook to others. Is that what we really want to do those who trust us, care about us and even communicate that caring and trust to us? Our playground days are behind us. Making another into a schnook for even what we consider to be the purest of motives at the time we do so is not something for which any of us should strive. We schnooks owe it to you to let you know these things."
Words uttered by Sir Loin of Laf-a-lot.
Interesting, wouldn't you say?

Like I said, hon...ok for you,
but not for me?

Soooo. What do I do now? Keep tryin' to
figure that part out. Not too much comes to mind.
What do I do, Hon? I just don't know.

Friday, September 29 3 a.m. ~
I've been sitting here for the past couple of hours
just rereading and feeling... Not even thinking
really. Too tired for that. Mom would have been 70 today.
Happy Birthday, Mom. Going to bed.

3 a.m., Saturday September 30 ~
I see Tripod is again amusing itself with the
logo on the cursor. I don't want
to offend anyone who uses those, but I have a
hard enough time seeing the cursor arrow
without having the point obliterated by some cute
little image atop it. I find it vastly
annoying.

Sitting here in the dark. Correspondence I once
looked forward to, this time about nothing much,
and I catch my breath, trying to prevent
inevitable tears. Even now, at this hour,
I must watch the clock. It has become necessary
to sneak into bed. And now, as I write
this, he awakens. So much has changed and yet
nothing has.

Sunday, October 1, 2 p.m.~
I haven't been able to access Tripod since early
Saturday. Now, as I am getting ready to leave,
I am finally able to get in. Oh well. Later ~

3 a.m., Oct. 5th ~
Need to sleep. Only here for a minute.
This hour is my only quiet time now, almost
peaceful, but not really anymore. Even at this
hour, I am filled with a sense of
urgency ~ a need to hurry. Bruce's alarm goes
off at 4. Enjoying a second glass of cider
while I finish up the day. Gret, Kate & I
went to the orchard on Sunday. The day
was beautiful and apples were plentiful. A
door slams and opens and slams shut
again ~a pager ~ and I wonder what you are
doing. I miss you.

I've been working with graphics and new
pages for the past couple of days as Tripod would
allow. I will post new urls as pages are
complete. You are back. I do still need
you there. And now ~ sleep, before tears return.

3:30 a.m.. Friday, Oct.6 ~
This time is not to be tonight. Daughter just
home from work. Baby awake. Bruce's alarm
about go off. The sound of the rain will help
me sleep, at least. A tooth fairy night.
Did you know front teeth are worth $5 now?

For two & a half decades I accepted
my discontent. It was, after all, decisions I'd
made that were the cause of it.
Although I could not completely disregard that
part of me, I did manage to ignore it
~ to talk myself into believing that it was my
fate & to delude myself into thinking
it was not a necessary and important part of
living. I filled my days with the
issues of everyday life, with raising my children,
with school & community involvement,
with immersing myself in my many interests.
There were exhilarating moments. There was
even laughter. As long as I refused to stand
back & look at the whole of it and instead
spent my time on the bits & pieces, I
could survive. I accepted this. Until that part
of me that I'd pushed away came out
of hiding to stand in front of me, refusing to
let me shove it out of sight again.
What was this thing suddenly standing in front
of me? It was the exquisite realization
that there really was someone I could love with
the whole of my being. It is impossible
to go back to the way I was. Oh, I can still
find enjoyment or laughter in a moment,
but this will always be in front of me ~ the
vision of that beautiful hand-blown glass bubble
shattered in a million pieces on the
path before me. No, hon. Just as loving is
not always a choice, misery is not always
a choice ~ when, to alleviate it would create it
for another.

My daughter seems to be succumbing to
Mary Kay philosophies. The other day she told me
that there are ducks and then there are
eagles. "Dad is a duck," she said.

Gabe's dad called a few minutes ago.
He has half day of work tomorrow and wants to
take his son for a few hours. He
said I won't hear from him for at least the
next week because Melissa is due. I
asked when was the last time he'd seen Gabe
and he couldn't even remember, but
said he'd sent Kaena to take Gabe instead. I
told him I need him for the 4th
of November and reminded him that Kaena will be
in Hawaii. He said he'd start working
on it. Doesn't he realize he does not have a
choice?

I've had icq off for the past couple
of days because I needed my full screen to work
with graphics. I ended up with a fatal
when I tried to turn it on yesterday, so left
it off. Will try to run it again
later today.

7 p.m.~The time of day I detest the most.
It is this time that causes me to hide in sleep.

3:30 a.m., Saturday, October 7 ~
Timing seemed so perfect tonight until I suffered
3 fatals and found more missing posts
at forum. Gabe has been awake for an hour &
Gret's alarm goes off in 45 minutes.
Bruce's beeper has not sounded. He will be home
today, I guess. The fire siren is sounding again.
Wherever the fire is, it is close. Might
as well hit the sack. It is too late to
accomplish anything tonight and tomorrow will be
a total wash, of course.

I wish you would understand it is
the use of the possessives, but then, your compassion
has always had limits.

6:30 ~ Ya know...sometimes I just wish there
was no such thing as me.

Gifts Received	We Love You, Ivy!	The Sunny Side of Alone
You Are Loved	This Road Toward You	A Touch of Whimsey
The Child's Dream	Serenity	After All
A Dream Without Words	Do Not Take Me Dancing	The Fledgling's Reply
Would It Were Yesterday	Midnight Musings	The New Portal
Journal One	Laf & Sage Forum	Journal Two
The Seat of the Soul	Diva of the Net	Grandsplace
Links One	Teen Pledge	*NEW* Sign My Guestbook!
*NEW* Add your link here!	Email Me	On Gender
Someplace Else	Love your Mary Kay? Place an online order with my daughter!

Grandparents' Resources

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Sage's Poetry
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Below you will find a link to my beloved
friend's Library. Mr. James, affectionately known
as Laf, is a gifted Master of Words. He will
tickle your funny bone, implore you to
think and share his spirit with you. After you
have visited his Library, please feel free to wander
around at his site. You never know what
you might find there. While you are there, be
sure to sign up to receive his Laf Lions,
a look at life as he sees it.
We would love to have you join us at our forums,
as well. We each have our own, but we
share many of the same posters. No clique here...
We welcome all and we truly enjoy hearing
from all of you!

Laf's Library


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Recommended Reading

Across The Porch From God:
Reflections Of Gratitude Book

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Sage On Gender

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