Almost noon, Tuesday, January 16 ~
Sitting here yawning and watching Gabe as he
discovers the wonder of a slinky.
Last night was zooey and I picked a poor
time to read at forum. I think I eventually
fell asleep there. Haven't done that in a very
long time. Kinda miss it. Connor had
scouts last night and I gave him and his dad an
old worn out flag to use for flag-folding
lessons. I followed Gabe around with the vacuum
cleaning up Connor's bowl of dry Lucky Charms
that he'd managed to dump in the living
room, then to the kitchen where he found an
ornament made by Connor which for some
reason hadn't made it into the Christmas box.
It took forever to clean up the
tiny shards of glass. Spoke with Connor's
dad briefly about Gret's plan to move
to Albany with Kate in June. Gret has not discussed
this with me ~ only with her father.
I received some information yesterday about ADD
and other disorders. I have a problem
with those "illnesses" because I think it may be
simply a matter of society trying to fit
a square peg into a round hole. Certainly, there
must be some conformity to civilized behavior,
but I don't think medication is the answer.
Anyway, I sat down and wrote Gretchen because I'm
tired of her accusations that I don't do
enough. I sent her the url to that site even
though I did not visit it myself.
I did not refer her to it because I think
something is wrong with Gabe. I do
think he will need some attention above and
beyond the norm if he doesn't begin
to calm down and stop the constant crying and
destructive behaviors. I thought it might
help her to interact with others who have similar
problems with their children. But I also told
her that I think she is being unfair to me.
I raised 4 of my own, then Connor for the
years she was gone. Connor was an easy
child and the fact that he is incredibly bright
made interacting with him a joy.
We did so many things together before Gabe
was born. Now Gabe takes up most of my
waking hours and I have little time left
for Connor. He is resentful and it is
showing in his behavior. I love Gabe and watch
his antics in total awe at times, but
I'm tired and I simply can't take the noise and
confusion any longer. If my daughter
moves an hour south of here with Connor,
his dad, who lives 10 miles north, will
lose the interaction which is needed by both of
them. Gabe's father makes no time for him
at all. I'm not sure what will happen.

I will have to touch base with Dad's
home health aide sometime today. She needs
time off Wednesday night for a family
matter, so I will probably take her place.
This will be a learning experience for
me as my father now needs true nursing care.
I "yelled" at him a bit this past
Sunday for not following orders and taking his
walks from one end of the house
to the other. He just looked at me and said,
"I'm not going to make it anyway."
I told him I didn't want to hear him talk
like that and nothing more was said.
I just sat and held his hand.

Wednesday, January 17, 9:15 a.m.~
Members of my extended family kept me up late last
night and I woke up on the couch
at 7 this morning as my alarm was going off
upstairs. Just teasing, Bunny and Ryan:)

I must admit that although I have a
problem with Connor leaving here with his mom,
as I think about the possibility
of her moving out, my eyes travel around each
room, gleefully noting all of the messes
which she will take with her as well. That's
a definite plus. She expressed concern to
her father that we would be without some things
when she leaves. If her departure gives
me back 4 rooms in this house, I think I can
deal with having to buy my own vcr.

There is one negative side to her
imminent departure. I will not be alone ~ I
will have to deal with that.

5 p.m. Just received a call from the hospital.
Libby took Dad back to be admitted. His right
lung is filled up again and there will be no
trip to Boston any time soon. Called my
brother, but he already knew as he'd spoken
with Dad's doctor this afternoon. He's waiting
for calls back from 2 doctors and will call me
tonight. I hate this. Gret is back at work
and there is no one to watch these kids so I
can go to the hospital.

Friday morning~
Was hoping to go back to sleep after getting
Connor off to school, but Gabe is not
going to cooperate. I am so exhausted -
just don't know how many things I
am suppose to deal with at the same time.
The deep end is beckoning. Like my brother
said, if the room is spinning and your head is
reeling, you need to know that when you
sit up and put your foot on the floor, the
floor will be there. Right now, there
is no floor.

Funny ~ this website took more hits
yesterday than any day in its brief history,
including New Year's Eve, 2000. Maybe
people are watching with amusement and placing
bets on how long it takes Sage
to lose her sanity?

Saturday, January 20, 5:45 p.m. ~
Watching the clock. I only have a minute
here for now. Mass will end and he
will be home. I ended up being at the hospital
for only a few short minutes. My brother
did fly up from Virginia afterall. Dad was
sleepy, so we left him and went
to the grocery store to look for food he
can eat. Dad will be in the hospital
indefinitely. He needs to lose 10 pounds of fluid
before they will send him to Boston,
which is his only chance.

Touching, touching, touching. I am wooden
and scream inside.

I did read, lion. Thank you, at
least, for no platitudes, for I could truly bear
no more of them. I did find. I do love.
There is nothing I can do about that.

As soon as I fulfill my obligation
to eat what was prepared, I will leave again
for the hospital, this time to discuss
funeral arrangements, etc., with my brother.
And the other watches TV in the
kitchen, laughing. I feel like a character
in a bad sci fi movie.

Sunday, January 21, 1:30 a.m. ~
Here only for a minute. Have been so very
grateful that my brother has been able to
join me here. He is a pharmacist with much
medical knowledge, which helps a lot during
discussions with dad's doctors. He has also helped
by being my eyes as I have so much
difficulty right now trying to read small print.
Besides, I finally got the real story behind
how he and a cousin started the fire when
we were small.

After silent rage, there will be tears
~ and breakfast.

And I can do nothing but chastise
myself for ancient idiocy which caused me to be
in this place.

I will sleep for a bit. I hope
to wake with more clarity, but cannot count
on it anymore. I go to bed thinking
the same things, crying the same tears,
wake thinking the same things. Nothing changes.
There is no respite, no peace, no path, no floor.

Monday, January 22, almost noon ~
Back later tonight maybe. It is impossible to
think with the pacing back and forth
behind me, with the yelling about the yelling.
At least there are some available work
hours tonight, so I will have a break from
that. And the hospital is quiet.

Tuesday, 5 a.m. ~
No time for this lately. Today's memorable moment:
Getting stuck in a hospital elevator.

Wednesday, January 24
"Emotion has taught mankind to reason."
--Marquis de Vauvenargues

True, of course ~ but you gotta wanna.

Wednesday night, January 24 ~
I pray that one will understand someday
that words spoken without thought can be
like pins prodding a balloon. It comes to mind
that when the student is ready, the teacher
will come, but which is really the teacher?
Only the one who listens.

My father was given hospice today. He
has a few weeks left only. Bunny, thank you
for being here when I needed you.

Lisa Maria, thank you. How beautiful!

I am so angry with myself now,
for succumbing to wishes so many
months ago when I was asked not to speak to
my father about his health. Those requests were
against my wish to do otherwise. Now, there
is nothing to be done. My father just turned 71.
There is no reason he should not have
had 20 more years. Need to sleep for a bit,
then will wake my daughter at 4:30 a.m.
for work.

Friday, January 26 ~ morning ~
I didn't go see Dad Wednesday night after my
brother's call. I'd planned to go
before he called. While I was speaking with
him, Janna beeped in. I returned her
call a short while later. I was fine until I
gave her the news and heard her tears.
I lost it then and there was no way I could
go see him while I was that upset.

It has been difficult to deal with his
and her work schedules this past week.
Establishing any kind of routine is next to
impossible. Gabe has been sick all week and
Connor was sent home sick from school.
Nate responded to the message I left him yesterday.
He is coming home. We spoke for awhile
about the various job offers he has in front
of him now. Ironic that his starting salary
should be what his father's was just prior
to the downsizing. Janna's husband thoughtfully
called me yesterday to ask how I was doing
and to offer his services for any reason I
might need him. I visited my father
mid-afternoon yesterday. It is not a good time
for him, but it was the only time I
could go as Bruce was here briefly to stay
with Gabe before he left for night shift.
Dad moved his feet so I could sit on the
end of the bed and asked me what was
new. We talked for a few minutes. I looked up
and noticed a man sitting on the window
side of the room. An old friend, a teacher
whose son played hockey with mine. A
big gentle bear of a man who always made
me smile in years past, it was good to
see him. We exchanged news of our respective
sons. His will be graduating from college
this year as well, and will intern with
Senator Jeffords of Vermont. Evidently, he had
a good seat for the Inauguration. Two Hospice
nurses came in at separate times. Neither
my brother nor I know exactly what Dad is
thinking right now, so I listened carefully to
the exchange between Dad and the nurse. She
asked if he was comfortable with the idea of
her being there. He said he thought it
was a good idea. Someone had left a Hospice
info pack on his table. The Living Will
was outside the folder as though he'd been
reading it. I asked if he wanted me
to take it and read it to my brother. He
answered sharply that Tom knew about it.
Although I knew that, Tom had expressed some
reservation because although we understand Dad does
not want "heroic" measures, some things have to
be stated very specifically. I said nothing
further about it and will discuss it with my
brother today. One of the doctors arrived. He
checked Dad's lungs and said they sounded a
little better and that he had lost some of
the fluid. My father asked him very pointed questions,
but I had a sense that the doctor was hedging
somewhat.

No work available tonight and I will
spend the evening in a futile attempt to find
a place to hide.

Saturday afternoon ~
Brief break ~ Gret took Gabe to the doctor's
finally. Bruce & Connor playing a game
of Pokemon Monopoly. Called the hospital
and was surprised to hear my sister is
there. She flew in from Florida last night and
will stay until Tuesday. Dad says they
are thinking of sending him home Tuesday. I
think he is still hopeful, but Hospice
will take charge thereafter. Bruce and Gret
both work tonight, but Janna and Chris
will be here for dinner and to see my father.
Unsure about Nate - he may not get
here until tomorrow. Added a new link to
Teen Pledge page for The High School
Internet Network. I've noticed recent visits
from the Kern County, California Superintendent
of Schools, as well as California State Government
and US Government. I'm glad the pledge is still
being used as an educational resource.

Very, very, very long day. Quarter to 11
and Gabe is still up - hours messed up by
medication. Connor waited upstairs for me
while I tried unsuccessfully to get Gabe to eat
something. I dozed off with Connor when I tucked
him in, but didn't really sleep. After midnight
now and eating late supper, then need to sleep.
Forum will have to wait. No word from
my son. I don't know if he's coming or not.
Late conversation with my sis...always as
ever back to the same discussion. Janna called.
She, Chris and Gret have all been called as
extras for skating scene in Saratoga for
The Time Machine. Cool.

Sunday night - late ~
Sorry. Gabe on a good day is tough. Sick?
Forget it. Warm fuzzies from Carlos and
a bit of a heart-twinge as I touched base
with Bill (you peeked ~ was kinda hoping
you might:) after so long. Was hoping for
Giants for Dad, but....

Monday afternoon ~
My daughter just got up, so my time here is
over until later. I spent the morning
doing something I don't do often ~ visiting
my own pages. Poems, first journal. Hard
to believe that I ever had even a few moments of
happiness.

As I did last night, I will go
to bed early. No point in staying up if I am
not to be alone.

What can I say? Accomplished nothing
today. He says, "I can't wait until June."
I reply, "I cannot wait until 5:30."
And so it flows.

My sis goes back to Florida tonight.
Dad is being taken home. My brother and his
wife will be here Saturday. His wife
was an RN. She will stay for 2 weeks. Frankly,
I don't think my father will still
be with us at the end of that time. His white
count is up. He refuses to eat.

"If you press me to say why I loved him,
I can say no more than it was because he was he
and I was I."
- Unknown

How many mistakes can one make in
one lifetime? This one will not be made again.

Friday, February 2, 2:30 a.m. ~
This page up for a bit while I do laundry and
paperwork. It was not a good day. Haven't
decided whether to write now or not.

~ and indulging himself in a tantrum
~ refused the bottle I made him and threw it
on the floor. He woke Bruce up.
I sent him back to bed, but as I just heard
him tightly close the bedroom door,
it is obvious he will not easily get back
to sleep. Every night this week has been
like this.

Friday, close to 7 p.m. ~
Tired. Will sleep early as I will be up
most of the night. Flowers? Mean nothing.

And soon, Saturday and a different
kind of alone?

3:40 a.m., Sat...hmmm... you are up.

Wall or no, someday I will touch.
That much I must. ~Goodnight, lion.

Up all night, but did what I could.
Praying Gabe will sleep a bit longer so I
can close my eyes.

Sunday, February 4 ~
Sometimes I feel like Elizabeth Perkins did when
she threw the coffee mug at Kevin Bacon's
head in "He Said, She said..." ya know?

Monday, February 5, after midnight ~
Trying to warm up...took forever to restart the
furnace and the cold had me disoriented and irritated.
Dad was thinner today, but up on an elbow
watching the basketball game. He still won't
talk to me, so I chatter, then stop
and leave the room. I took my Zen Garden back.
He never used it anyway. I also borrowed
a couple of local history books because I've
been trying to again take over as family
historian as I was expected to do. I still can't
figure out which grandmother had Indian blood.
That one was thrown at me amidst the stuffy
English and hell-raising Irish that predominates.
Good to talk to my sister-in-law about
Gabe. She works with children of a similar nature
and the feedback lessened my guilt. There
is no work for Bruce, so he is here.

I was thinking the other day about
the difference between this journal and the last.
I have little appreciation for the dryness
which has shown up in my writing. It's been a
rough year. I wonder at what point I will decide
to end this one. My father's impending death?
I just don't know. Normally, I would delete
here and there to make room for the
new, but this time around I hesitate because in
a sense, it has been a log of the
death of so many things. I cannot do dishonor
to my dad by throwing out even the most
boring of entries. Perhaps you can understand
that much.

Monday, Feb. 5th ~
What is it that makes us want to hold on to
what we have become accustomed? The lawyer
asked how attached I was to this house. He was
simply curious and tossed the question at
me to gauge my reaction. It is certainly not
uncommon for those my age to downsize
their surroundings.

In one sense, this house represents a
project begun with a vision. Circumstances have
changed and I have become unsure as
to whether or not the vision should change as
well, or if it should be discarded.

In another sense, it represents the bleak
reality that dreams are gone ~ that I will remain
incomplete.

The roses are limp and dying, but
they never really had a chance.

Ironic ~ Gabe's dad asked to take him tomorrow,
Bruce will be leaving in the morning for
Connecticut, and Gret will most likely stay the
night in Albany as we are expecting over a
foot of snow from this storm. But because of
the storm, I'm sure schools will be
closed and Connor will be home. I almost had
a few hours to myself. Almost.

Blew it I guess for Diva candy.
Found 9 pieces the first day, but there were
a few sites with what seemed like a
million pages where I couldn't find anything.
Gave up cause I had too many responsibilities
at home. Hate doing that cause I love games,
but had no choice.

Tuesday, 1 a.m. ~
Things could go my way (shhhh!).
Storm is moving away early.

I will be reworking Links page over
the next week or so. Occurred to me that I don't
even have to eat dinner tonight if I
choose not to. Been down so long it looks like
up to me.

No other way to describe this day other
than to say it has been a day from h***.
I don't know if it's Internet in general,
my servers specifically, or my puter (therein lay
most of my suspicions). If I hit anyone's
site in a somewhat obscure manner, I apologize...
was just trying to see what would come up and what
wouldn't as nada came up for me.
10 p.m. Kids in bed. Taking a break, eating and
sleeping for a bit hopefully. Nola, I will
not respond tonight to give you a chance to cool down.
I know much that you do not and will not respond
hotheadedly with things that could unnecessarily hurt.
I have already stated my case as far as my
family goes. You can only surmise. Distance
and consequences make things different for you
and I have always respected that.
But as I respect it, you must remember it. Things
could have been different. Is that not so?

"If you have to be in a soap opera try
not to get the worst role."
--Boy George

5 a.m., Thursday, February 8 ~
Wishing will not cause the furnace to start,
but I also wish to retain what body heat
I have. I will go to the basement in the
morning. I began the first chapter of
my own Great American novel today during the
hour of quiet provided to me by a
Cub Scout meeting for one and nap for the
other. My father sleeps much of the
time now. The doctor came today and my
sister-in-law said she was heartened by
bis statement that he would be back in two
weeks. But there is no change and I
think he will simply go to sleep and not
wake up. I asked her to move the CD
player to the den so he could listen to
music. Hot cocoa is gone and the furnace
is miraculously humming. Gabe is crying.

It is still only Friday?
How can that be?

Midnight ~
Tired. Tears. Tired tears. Tired of tears.

Gray behind ~ gray in front ~ nothing but gray.

Smiles are accomplishments of some past life.
The sound of laughter is foreign and but a memory.

Sunday night, February 11 ~
My father has deteriorated greatly in
the past few days. Bruce has no work. I'm sorry.
I've had a hard time being here lately.

10 p.m. Gabe is still chattering in his crib,
but at least all are in bed. I tried to
sleep earlier, but could not.
These walls seem to be drawing closer with
each breath and I cannot think.
Tomorrow I will need to try to pull myself
together and do the mundane, but necessary
~ get my hair cut and shop for something appropriate
to wear to the funeral. The obituary must
be completed. My cousin has arrived from
Florida. I will see her tomorrow. My
father was the only father figure in her life
and she loved him very much.

I apologize if I haven't replied to emails.
I went over quota several times this week ~
just couldn't keep up. Had it
in my head to work on links page, but Tripod
saw fit to not let me access that
particular file.

Gretchen, Janna and Chris have spent the past
2 nights filming for "The Time Machine." The
bitter cold and high winds made it less
enjoyable, but it will still be an experience
they will always remember. I'm not sure when
the movie is due out. As for me, I'm not sure
if I'm in a tragedy or a comedy. The furnace has
stopped running again.

Monday, February 12 ~
I passed up the shopping trip to entertain my
furnace guy. It was worth it.
Why are there no furnace gals? And 2 short hours
later...the furnace kicked off again.
Earl? What sayeth thou?
8 p.m. ~ What Earl is saying now is "I'm sooooo
glad I had her initial the part where I wrote
she may need to replace the Big Board."
Because that is what I just did. A very
expensive day indeed.

Bruce was called to CT tonight. He left immediately.

The End ~
Furnace problems
The End ~
The petition
The End ~

Wonder what it would be like to have
Valentine's Day mean something. I truly
don't know and I never will. The chain
holding this heart of gold and diamonds is
but a noose.

Tuesday, February 12, 5 a.m. ~
I woke up earlier to find a note from my
daughter on my desk. She's gone again.
Unmindful still of her responsibilities.
Connor is fast asleep in my bed and
Gabe is awake in his crib.

There's an odd feel to this moment.
The sky is beginning to lighten. I want to
jump up and shower and start this day
and accomplish ~ yet, I am frozen in this spot.

Gabe cries out, then he is quiet, then
he cries out again. My stomach tenses with
every sound he makes. Thoughts cannot flow
to completion and are instead spasmodic. As a
result, whereas it was my intention to
merely soften the butter for my toast, I
unthinkingly set the microwave for 3 minutes. I
needed to use a pastry brush to butter my
toast. So you see, my early-rising friend
in Atlanta, it seems I still have issues
with butter.

Wednesday, February 14 ~
I find myself wishing it would end for him.
Dad is so scared now.

My deepest apologies to my Diva Sister
Angel Spirit. I meant to put this thoughtful
gift up much sooner than this.
She has a beautiful site and I would be
honored if you would take time to visit
her while you are here.

It was wonderful to see my Tallahassee
cousin yesterday. The ten years we haven't
seen each other melted away quickly
as we shared photographs and memories. Nate
and Melissa are arriving at dinnertime.
Janna may be coming and my brother is flying back
here. He thinks my father is waiting to see
him one more time and he may well be right.
I cannot give my father the same amount of peace.
I think he just worries because he
knows how things have been for me and he's
tired of worrying.

OK...so I fed the cat at my window. Sue me.

Saturday, February 17, afternoon ~
Just sitting here waiting. My brother called
just before ten. He was waiting for
the ambulance. Nate and I went to the hospital
and waited for over an hour. The ambulance didn't come
in. Phone is not being picked up at Dad's
house. I'm assuming it's
over, but I don't know that for sure. I don't
know if this file will work. I
can get into the file, but am getting the
error message if I try to preview. As usual,
there is never any response from Tripod.
Hope Bun is enjoying her birthday. I
may not be around for the next few days.
If not, much love and birthday wishes to
the lion and Hobbsie.

Still Saturday, after 11 p.m. now.~
My father died this afternoon at 3:40. I was
alone with him. His breathing changed and
I got up from the chair and sat next to
him on his bed and held his hand.
As I cradled his head, he stopped breathing.
I love you, Dad.

Sunday evening, February 18 ~
Happy Birthday to my little sis and to Ivy.
My thanks to Barbara, Gen, Ivy and Nola
for your thoughts and for being here when
I needed someone to talk to.

Hope, thank you too, for thinking of me.

Almost midnight ~
Rough day. My dearest thanks to all who were
here for me today. Something, someone
was missing, but perhaps I should not care
any longer. Need to sleep if I can now. No
visible tears.

Monday, February 19 ~
Happy Birthday, lion.

Dad

Was that for me, lion? If so, thank you.

Unbelievable. We have been trying to get hold
of Gabe's dad to watch his son so we wouldn't
have to take him to visiting hours
or to the funeral. He just told my daughter
that no, he wouldn't take him...that he
is not Gabe's babysitter. As God is my witness,
this man will never be allowed to see his
son again if this remains his attitude and
behavior. I called my sister-in-law several towns
south. She will take him Wednesday morning.

I love you, lion. Even so.
You see, I can see past the growling.
I always could. Please be here when
I wake.

You promised.

Tuesday, February 20 ~
I only have a few minutes here before I
leave for Dad's. My brother wants to go
through things. I don't want to do that
now, but I guess it has to be done.

I was back at 10 as I said
I would be. But I need to sleep. Visiting hours
were not difficult ~ just very long.
So many people. Funeral in the morning and
reception after.

Wednesday, February 21, 4:30 a.m. ~
Awakened by dreams, I am with you.
Close your eyes, hon, and sleep.

4:30 p.m.~
Back a little while ago. Sleepy, but still
much activity. My daughter is driving my
son back and still unsure if Bruce has work
here or in CT.

Thank you, Lord. I have the little ones,
but everyone else is finally gone. ~ Breathing
space.

Don't. Please??????????????????????????????

Thursday morning, February 22 ~
Dad's day to visit. But of course he won't
be here. The next time the black Jeep
pulls up across the street, my brother will be
driving it. I will not pause before opening
the door to answer Dad's usual coded knock.
Dad's voice is no longer on his answering
machine. Tom will bring me the contents of Dad's
fridge and his plants before he drives back to
Virginia today.

And while I must contemplate this,
I also wait for another to choose. Because it
is a choice. And when it is a choice
~ when one chooses death as a solution,
there is no honor in that. To choose death
when one can choose life diminishes the
significance of one's existence. It diminishes others
as they see themselves through your eyes.
It dishonors God and his plan for you.
Nor can the choice be used as leverage,
because it will corrupt. So too,
payback is a concept for which one must be alive
to enjoy. Harsh words, but if I
did not love, I would not have the courage
to speak them.

Friday morning, February 23 ~
Recuperating slowly from the past week. I
knew I was coming down with this nasty
cold the night before the funeral. Needed to
reboot this puter last night and fell
asleep on the couch running a scan. Gabe
woke up screaming in the middle of the
night and Gret joined me in the living room to
sleep on the other couch. Sitting here
now looking at houseplants and bags and boxes
of food from Dad's house. There
is so much food that I had to put 2 bags of
freezer items on the back porch.
Food platters and homemade soups, Mass cards and
floral arrangements to dry, thank yous to
be written. Another ending. Dad's photo sits
in front of me now ~ a cropped pic
from my daughter's wedding. He wears his
classic smirk and I wonder what he would
have thought about his own "wake," which
really wasn't a wake, but simple visiting
hours. He was always adamant that he never be
referred to as a politician. He wanted
only to serve and detested the games of politicians.
We even had to consider the political
slant when asking for honorary pall bearers.
But his wake was the political social
event of the season and, of course, any Republican
running or considering a run was there. I
cracked up at the local headlines in the
paper yesterday morning as I read that one
individual who spent close to 2 hours at
the wake is contemplating a run for D.A. His
opponent was there as well, although to
his credit, I graduated with him. He could actually
pretend he had a real reason to be
there. And Dad sits in front of me smirking.
I can smirk back.

Not once during all of this have you
left my thoughts. I am here if you need me
and here even if you think you do not.

Tried one other, but will probably end up here.New Forum

Anger and hurt I can understand, even
though that was not my intention. But as I
do not want more physical pain,
I also understand that tolerance of that is
in part controlled by emotional pain.
It logically follows then that if I do not
want to see physical pain, I do not
want to see the emotional anguish.
Twice now. How many more times?
Where can there be the trust necessary to sustain?

I detest the silence, but as you
know I am here, so do I know you are here.
I will wait. I always have. You know ~
just one of my many flaws.

Almost 10 and finally all are in bed.
So quiet.

Saturday, February 24, 4 a.m. ~
And quieter still.

One comes in early as one leaves early
and I am immobilized. More so than before
even, if that is possible.

Sunday morning, February 25, 4 a.m.~
The snows of February are upon us. February
always brings a measure of impatient
hesitancy. One wants to believe, but is
afraid to do so. One opens the door
to retrieve the morning paper and is greeted
with the delightful chirping of birds
back from vacation. By dusk, heavy snows
intensify the feeling of panic ~ of being
trapped with no way out. I need June and
freedom. A bird finding itself inside four
walls will swoop back and forth wildly, even
beating itself against windows in search
of its freedom. More often than not, it
will die in the attempt.

Sunday afternoon ~
Sitting here with a bowl of strawberry ice cream.
Ice cream we bought for Dad before he died.
His picture sits in front of me and I can
hear his voice..."Did you get that
furnace fixed yet?"

Spent the morning at EOC fixing up.
Had to download ITW to hard drive and will
need to begin changing links. The kids
gave me a four-tab headache and I will not be
saddened by the end of Connor's winter vacation.
Still waiting to hear whether or not Bruce will
be heading to Connecticut tonight. If not, I will
need to refresh my supply of aspirin. It's
getting too close in here.

No Connecticut. No nothing. No space.
Can't breathe. I need to get out of here,
but there's no place to go.

2:00 a.m., Monday, February 26 ~
Message received.

Quiet this moment. No words of wisdom
come to mind.

As I said good-bye to my brother
at the end of this very long week, he
smiled and spoke to me of new beginnings
for me. How much of the slate can I
force myself to wipe clean?

It does me no good at all to have
one return to school if the other is home from
work.

The child within is needy and
we are back at the beginning.

9:30 ~
Finally. Everyone is in bed...Gabe still
chattering, but at least I don't have anyone
pacing behind me anymore and I don't have
to listen to griping and look at a furrowed
brow. Still no work and if this house was 20
rooms instead of 10, it wouldn't be big
enough. And he does not understand why I
just withdraw. Maybe I should be grateful
the TV plays at dinnertime. At least I don't
have to talk about nothing.

Tuesday, February 27 ~
Still waiting.

"One should count each day a separate life."
--Seneca

Wednesday morning, February 28 ~
Seems I will get a slight reprieve today, although
I needed to throw a tantrum to get it.
Bruce, still home, is taking Gabe to Spanky's.
Hallelujah! * Spanky's was closed. My life.

And so now, it is quiet. Harsh words, hon.
Would you really be so cruel as to place
blame and leave me to live with
that? Do I mean so little to you?

"Spiritual growth is not an easy escape
from the painful circumstances of your life. It
begins with an eyes-open exploration of
them and their cause. You are the cause.
Every insight that brings you to this
realization is a Springtime - a new beginning.
Every impulse to follow your heart is a Springtime,
too. As you move away from the familiar
orientation of being a victim to the new, accurate
understanding of yourself as a powerful creator,
you leave behind the familiar props upon
which you once depended. These are your righteous
judgements, unchallenged beliefs, and feelings of
superiority or inferiority. You are in new
territory. The old is gone, and everything that
is emerging is new."
Gary Zukav

Wednesday night ~
Downhill fast ~
not that there was much of any up to head
down. I don't know what I'm supposed to
do right now. I tried. But there is only
one who ever makes a difference and
it jest ain't me. Instead, I just absorb
the blows, I guess. Sage, the scapegoat
~ that's me. So be it.

No work today either, so time here has
been at a premium. Just tired. Will this
never end?

Thank you for assigning me my worth.

5 a.m., Friday, March 2 ~
Apologies to Bun for last night's lack
of enthusiasm. This headache just hasn't wanted
to quit and I did go to sleep and let
everyone else deal. It has been a full
week of no work and tempers which become
shorter by the hour. A week when I needed some
quiet time to do little more than putter
after my father's death. Instead, it has
given me anything but that. Even here,
there has been no peace as I wait. The house is
now awake. I used to have this time,
but no longer.

10 a.m. ~
Thankful for a couple of hours of quiet now.
Even Gabe is quiet as I work.

Saturday afternoon, March 3 ~
Thanks to those of you who helped move me
to EOC. Bar, I'm sorry I missed
you last night. I needed to get away from the
puter for a bit. I've been sitting here
trying to come up with words to express this
tremendous sadness and sense of loss and I
simply cannot.

Why?

No time for me tonight. But it matters not.

Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting, for
if we forget, we do not learn and we do not grow.
But to not forgive chains us to the place
where we are. The inability to stop blaming others
for our own misfortunes has the same effect.
It means we are unable or that we refuse
to accept accountability for what happens to us.
And that we are destined to repeat our mistakes.

And whereas I believe that to be true,
if anything happens, there is one for whom my
forgiveness will be the hardest thing I
will ever have attempted to accomplish.

This did not have to happen. Why did things
change so suddenly?

PC dictated that I allow the little
power trip. But the "voices" that spoke told
the truth. The first carried the lilt of hope.
The second, in its deathly silence, was even more
eloquent. And my prayers are much different
than yours.

You see, the healing process was disrupted
by temporary euphoria that could not last because
the process was incomplete. And now it may
never be. The healing was for a lifetime
and that can only come from within.
That was always my prayer.

And now I leave to sign papers. Another ending.

Tuesday afternoon, March 6 ~
As you seem to be so interested in what I will say next,
I will tell you what is going through
my mind right now. It would seem that my dad
died at a very inopportune time. Yesterday, I saw
the estate lawyer. Tomorrow I will go to
Federal Court. The new beginning my brother
spoke of will not happen. The creditors will
be happy, of course. Loss upon loss upon
loss. And poor Janna, who knows my heart.
Even with the pain it causes her, she tells me
I need to decide on other endings before I
lose me too. I am so tired.

I asked everyone to leave. I asked Gretchen,
who was half-way home, to turn around and go
back to Albany. Everyone complied. And
now I am simply trying to breathe before I
do what it is I need to do.

Wednesday afternoon ~
Back for a bit before part two. I see my
daughter was here. Easy enough to tell when
I see my local ISP listed shortly after noon
& I was out-of-town then. I won't mention
it unless she does. She's a big girl. Last
night was the storm before the calm.
It will not be the last storm. It won't be
that easy.

One decision was reached as I listened to
the voice of my father. Not a pleasant decision,
but a necessary one. I felt calmer then.
When someone gives you a glimmer of new hope,
you tend to grab on and you don't want to
let go. But then there was the reality.
I so wanted to believe my brother's last words
to me before he left. That security would have
given me breathing room as I search for solutions
to other problems ~ as I try to decide where
to go from here. But the simple fact is that it
was not meant to be. The new path is also
strewn with obstacles and I will have to remove
them myself. Boulder by boulder. Limb by limb.

Galadriel was right, of course and as always.
Perhaps I stand on the tracks too. Knowing I
will be hit and I am ~ always. It is
not appropriate that I should be hit, but it
is his way and until he reaches where
I am, he will continue. When my littlest angel
was small, she used to dawdle horribly.
I would turn and yell, "Ketchup, Kate!" That's
what I want to yell at him now, but I
will not.

Interesting that I should run across this today
...Who do you suppose said this to me? ~~
"Jesus did not say, "You are forgiven. Go on
and do it again so I can continue
to forgive you and we will just forget it
happened." He said, "You are forgiven.
Go and sin no more." It was implied that
He would remember, but that he would not shut
the sinner out so long as the sinner did not
continue the sins and felt true remorse, pain and grief for their transgression(s), remembering what they
had done and holding onto that shame until
their deaths. It is in the same Bible all
the others read. It is in the teachings of
Buddha and Zen, of Islam and Orthodoxy.
It is held in Wicca and all systems of
moral codes inthe world. It is paid lip service
by the adherents of those "faiths" and
even atheists. But, what the Hell do I know?"
Whatever works for however so many times?
But then, what the heck do I know?
"Vengeance is mine, "sayeth the Lord.

Just got off the phone with my brother.
Jackie, my father's companion since my mom died,
died last night. Her daughter was the
first one to enter Dad's room after he died.
She looked at him and I thought she
knew. It took me a minute to realize she didn't.
Her mom was sick for much longer than Dad.
She was a wonderful lady. Dad loved her.

My God, I am tired. Really tired.
I was going to try to work tonight, but
I just can't. Will there never be a day
that dawns with light and love and laughter again?

Woman of Grace and Splendor

The end of two very long days and I
should be now be able to relax, but I am
tense. Something is very wrong. Can't shake
this feeling that has been with me since
early morning.

Friday morning, March 9 ~
Eerily quiet in this house this morning.
Notmy Cat perches on the back of the porch
couch pretending not to watch me through
the window. The angels laugh at those of us
who hoped for Spring and engage in a heavenly
pillow fight. Snowflakes dance like goose down
and Notmy tells me she is as tired of winter
as I am.

I dozed off and on through the night
in my usual spot. Gretchen avoided my eyes
last night. She decided to drive to
Albany to play, giving the excuse that she needed
to put in a few hours in at work
to make up for time lost during the shooting
of "The Time Machine." She will make the
drive back in this new storm and I am
curious as to whether or not she will continue
thereafter with her plan to spend the night
with an old girlfriend up in Saranac. Bruce
is on call for the weekend and may need to
leave for a two-week stretch in Ticonderoga.
Janna awaits my call to tell her whether or not
I need her. I have another funeral to attend
tomorrow morning. And now, I am greeted with
Connor's usual morning squishy hug. On goes
the Cartoon Channel and the day begins.
The ominous feeling remains and I do not yet
know its cause.

Almost midnight.
Close your eyes and you will hear truth.
And someday, you will understand, but only
if you listen.

Saturday, March 10, 9 p.m.~
I am here, hon. This time, know I will
hold you to a promise made. Need to sleep
for a bit.

Sunday, March 11, 6:30 p.m. ~
I've been holding my breath for almost four
hours. I was scared for you, lion.
Yes, and for me too.

Spring is almost here and it is time
for me to think about what I will do and
where I will go from here. I truly do not
know what is ahead of me ~ only that there
must be change.

I remember Erma Bombeck once said the
cleanest house will belong to the woman going
on vacation. It made me laugh because it's true.
But this Spring Cleaning I need to do is much
more than that. It will take courage
I'm not sure yet that I have.

The end of the day as freshly scrubbed
children are tucked in beds. Gret and Bruce
both work third shift tonight, so quiet
should prevail. I slept little last night,
jumping at every sound. No one bothers
me anymore about sleeping on the couch.
That's good and as I want it to be.

Notmy Cat watches me from the porch
and seems to know things I do not yet know.

Monday afternoon, March 12 ~
This puter seems to forget who is the boss here.
It can't handle more than one command
in a ten-minute period and I think I've
caught Bunny's midi disease. Yes, I'm whining.

Sigh ~ no work today and tension builds.

7 o'clock ~
One hour I have. I turned the lights down,
turned the TVs off. I can hear the house
breathing.

What are you thinking now?
I wish I knew.

Thanks to Ayo for letting me know someone
was alive and kicking...well, maybe not kicking,
but ~ it's been a very long day.
It's not easy being a thousand miles away,
you know?

Tuesday, March 13 ~
Bleary-eyed after that scare. Sleet and
freezing rain have delayed school opening
and I'm glad not to have to rush.
Reality dances and swirls around me in a
gray mist in the same manner that one wakes
still shrouded in dream impressions.

This time, I am guilty of hurting
my dearest friend.

I'm not and never have been a player.
I guess I'm learning the hard way about those
who are.

Bunny, thank you. I didn't deserve your
forgiveness, but you gave it to me anyway.
Maybe that's why I love you so much.

Thursday, March 15, noon ~
If you read this, Butterfly, you do at
least owe him an answer. One way or the
other. And now you owe me that, too.
For because of you, I have become the
redheaded and pigtailed girl next door.

After 10 p.m. ~
The purposefulness of the morning dissolves
yet again into the purposelessness of the
evening.

Found ~
Yaohushua ` Spiritual Convictions

"Whatever" comes to mind.

Friday morning, March 16 ~
Dearest Cathy, Thank you. How beautiful!
You Are a Beautiful Person

Saturday, March 17 ~10:30 a.m.
Connor's Reconciliation Day (he is not a happy camper,
but I remember being nervous too). I will stay
behind with Gabe as his mom and grandfather
accompany him to this.

The sun has finally appeared. Last weekend's
flirt with 40 degrees seemed heavenly,
but now, as the thermometer creeps up to
match that, it doesn't seem as warm as
it did. At this time of year, every degree
warmer makes it doubly hard to take each
degree colder. Spring! Warmth! Come!

Shortcomings, lion? What shortcomings?

So far, there is no word of work ~ not
for tomorrow or even for the week. Big sigh ~

Melancholy? Me, Hope?
Are you sure you have the right person? :)

Monday, March 19 ~
Seems like two days have passed since this
morning. My sweet terrorist is trying to ditch
his afternoon nap. He ripped a two-foot hole
in the side of the crib tent and I can
no longer keep him in the crib. Thank God
there is a lock on the outside of the
door. But his sleeptime, or lack thereof,
has me sleepless in upstate. There was work
today and will be tomorrow. After that is
anyone's guess. It's been a long time since I
last hung out at chat. Good to see
a few of the old crowd still there.
You dun good, hon. 10:30 ~ time for my nap.

Tuesday afternoon, March 20 ~
A day of reflection and of thinking of the
future. Weighing probabilities against possibilities.
A day of thoughts and ideas discussed ~ with my
son ~ with the lion. But keeping my fears
and feelings of inadequacy quiet. Scared to death.

Not sure what is right and what is wrong.
Can I accept less? I don't know.
You rest now, hon.

This appealed to me~
"There are three ingredients in the good life: learning, earning and yearning."
--Christopher Morely

9:30 ~
Sleepy. Everyone finally in bed. Too many
strange thoughts today ~ thoughts I cannot trust yet.

No work Wednesday, evidently.

A tough coping day, I guess.
Puter problems. No work, then work, then no work

Thursday again already, March 22 ~
It will always be "Dad's Day" to me.
I forgot about the coding mistake yesterday.
I was into heavy graphics pages and got
booted more times than I can remember.

Almost noon and I try to stifle yawns.
Gabe sleeping in my bed ~ after I spent a late
night with a certain grrrrmudgeon. I guess
I'm a glutton for punishment, huh?

4 p.m., Friday, March 23 ~
Because I love, I cannot sanction that which
is harmful to you. Because I love, you
will have to do this without me. Because I
love, maybe you should go on without me.
That will be your choice. Is it your wish
that you lose me too?

Sunday night, March 25 ~
Tension continues to grow here. It has been
too long a weekend.

Almost 4:30 p.m., Monday, March 26 ~
Finally able to access Tripod. Who knows for
how long? If this goes through, I
will try to write a bit later. I am actually
able to watch most of Zukav for a change.
This show on what to do when life seems unfair
is especially pertinent right now for many
reasons.

Almost 4 a.m., Tuesday, March 27 ~
More snow dampens the spirit. But there
is a new sense of urgency to wrap up
the old and begin the new.

Sitting here staring at the monitor.
I had it in my head to write more, but I'm
tired and need to sleep for a bit.
There is an odd feeling that I am suddenly becoming "real."

Thursday afternoon, March 29 ~
And God said, "Put the Evangelist down
and go fix the leaky pipe!"

I did something for me yesterday.
Very strange feeling. My own new beginning,
perhaps? One step at a time.

Friday, March 30 ~
I sigh as I look out at more of the heavy,
wet white. There is no work again today
and I am becoming the wicked witch. Gabe
climbed out of his crib and took Gretchen's
lamp apart. She did not come home yet again.
Enjoyed an early morning chat with Hobbsie,
who always manages to put a smile on my
face. Love ya, hon:)

How odd ~ I have a full house. Gabe
won't take his nap. Connor brought a noisy
companion home from school. Yet I feel
as though I am enveloped in some protective
warmth that keeps me apart from the
confusion. Things change and so they are.

Another step taken today. Many more to go.
But beginning is always hardest, is it not?
And I have begun.

Uh oh! Bruce's windshield was smashed to bits
by snow falling off the neighbor's roof.

For starters, threw away a water-stained copy
of "Thank You, Dr. Lamaze." I don't think I
will have any use for that again:)

Tried to nap earlier after a morning
of taxes, but it was not to be. Pushed myself
to do more that needs to be done.
Gabe is cranky and crying. Bruce is yelling.
Same as usual, I guess. A couple
more hours until there is quiet. Needing
that now.

Tomorrow is Connor's school fair. His
grandfather will take him. It would be
unexpected heaven if he would also take
Gabe. It has been well over two months now
since we last heard from Gabe's father.
Maybe that is for the best?

Stay with me as you can, hon. I need you here.

Losing momentum with the hour and with
the complaints and problems. I'm trying to hold
on to faith in that which I need
and in what I need to do. Hard at this time
of night.

After 9 now. Only one down and two
to go. Maybe if I head to the couch, the
others will take note of the time?
No work since Wednesday and on call for
the weekend means nothing unless he is called.

Just past midnight, Saturday, March 31 ~
Awakened by a phone call which served
to irritate, I readjusted blankets and
prepared to go back to sleep. I was
surprised to discover this new resolve come
flooding back to give me energy. I let
the feeling wash over me filling me with
a renewed sense of delight.

I don't quite trust it to stay with
me & I know there will be days ahead
when I will believe it has disappeared
altogether. Unsure if I am Sleeping Beauty
or only poor Rip Van Winkle, but I will
not dwell on trying to figure that one
out now.

It cannot be referred to as "cheer" ~
just simple determination.

Sleep now, perchance to have my own dream?
I will ask you to tell me of yours.

6 p.m., Saturday, March 31 ~
No elaboration on this angry day. I stood
outside and let snowmelt splash on my face
& prayed for cleansing.

What I sent was not my original intention,
but the music held me. Maybe I will play it
here someday. Maybe even later today.

I could escape from others briefly
in "White Oleander," but not from me.

Sunday, April 1 ~
If anything, yesterday only served to
strengthen my resolve. More steps taken
today. There is frustration only that I
cannot move as quickly as I want ~ and
need. But somehow, I will do and I will have
what I want.

6 p.m. ~
Again no work, but sometimes things fall into place.
I so wish that I could twitch my nose
and have all that is in front me to do
somehow mysteriously disappear so the path
was clear. But that will not happen and so
I must use every minute I have now
wisely.

Nola, thank you for thinking of me.

11 P.m. ~
Amazing...or perhaps not ~ How so few words
can alter one's momentum.

5 a.m., Monday, April 2 ~
Gabe has been throwing tantrums for the
past hour and a half. I can hear him walking
around his room. I had to lock his door to
keep him in so we (or at least they)
could sleep. Every night is like this.
I threw his crib tent in the trash today.
He ripped it to shreds and it takes him
half a second to hop over the side of
the crib, so there's no point in keeping
it there. His crying detracts from this moment
and I may as well try to sleep for an
hour. This has to end. Somehow. Soon.

I whisper a prayer that God will
grant me the time I need.

6:30 p.m. ~
But for Bunny, whose mood has been contagious,
I'd be farther down in the dumps today
than I am. I accomplished absolutely nada.
At least there is work tomorrow.

Just feeling lonely tonight. Especially
with all of these people here.

3:30 a.m., Tuesday, April 3 ~
Thank you, hon. Now I can sleep.

Wednesday afternoon, April 4 ~
Accomplished much yesterday morning, but evening
brought an unwanted attitude shift. I'm
tired of having unnecessary obstacles thrown at
me ~ of constantly being asked to explain motive.

April

Painting of Woman by Pujalte Plate by Sage

Here is where I found my Christmas Tree.

Tuesday, June 6, 2000 #120
6/12/00 7:26 PM...6/12/00 8:48 PM
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